Was I a usurer? A feeder off misery and debt, sucking the blood of the living stragglers? There was a purpose to my loans, the idea that I could help people better than the Money Marts and the greedy banksters. I wasn’t asking for too much interest I think, I do believe things should be fair, for all parties, I ain’t a sucker. But I used and was used. Trying to expand my little business, under the table entrepreneurialism. Sometimes to make money you gotta work past the system, most richer thanks have utilized workarounds and loopholes. Why shouldn’t I be the same way while doing good I thought again and again to feel better about my new vocation. Wishful clinking of coins in the noggin.
So I loan money two some people. One guy always pays back, simple, easy transactions. The other two, a pain in my ass. One woman needed help with a new place for the kiddies, I comply with her dreams, no fuss. But of course she can’t pay after awhile, she’s up that creek and stupid with money (duh Rob, of course you made a mistake). I end up reminding her of the payments every month, she sees it as harassment and loses her shit. Then no payments, no communicado, no pie for the friendly mobster. I never trust my instincts. Just the look of her place that day should have sent me squealing tires back to the city. I am a model of a modern major schmuck.
The final sting in my little endeavour was the age old mistake of lending to friends, especially one you got the hots for. Arg that tiny little minx with all those curves. i am used to restraint and I did it to help. Every now and then some calamity befell her. “Oh my basement needs work, my husband lost his job, I blah blahed by blah.” I gave out of the goodness of my diminishing heart, I have certain moral ideas and philosophies. In the end thousands of dollars to this woman, a close friend eventually, helpful in my time of desperate need and circling the drain. I just needed a good woman to help me loosen my self-imposed burden. oh I’m burden, I’m burden, I’m burden for you.
So the messy loan shark stops moving and loses a chunk of his savings. At that time that was not a new development, I was fancy free and spending everything before the final curtain fall. Manicures, pricy meals, strippers and traveling shows. Just indulging my pleasures and getting Wilde. A foolish pauper throwing bills for thrills. I made my peace with losing leverage, biting my tongue against curses. Just another lesson for the ages and a moment to be a dipshit. You just can’t let people bitter you down and ruin your generosity. I give to the collective no more to the singular. Be cool.