Sometimes I want kids and then I remind myself of the cons and philosophy I have on life so far. I am a modern changing organism and I still have time to dither and wait; countdown engines on. Rocketman with no direction, so choosy with the future. In the early 20s I was like “yeah, if I meet the right person I’d have kids or be a stepfather,” seeing as how I was attracting the married woman (and who am I kidding I have a thing for them, penchant for other people’s love). But now, I don’t want that. Not that it’s some burden or anything but the choice comes from much thought and this is my life and I choose how to live it, I don’t get people making big decisions by the wishes of family and peer pressure, surely the right brain would take over.
Now and again I think and pitter ponder on what my son or daughter would be like. I’d like my son to respect me and think of me as a model or someone to emulate. That may be hubris or a desire to be the better man that lives in my head ( he has much space to walk in). Like other people I do want to install values in a new generation and want my son to care about the important things and be responsible and try harder to live sustainably as I try to. I also really want that father son relationship that is fairly odd lacking in my own life. I would’t say it’s bad but as last night showed with one of my friends, saying I love you and really showing affection is so important and you need the words. Maybe I’m desiring a wholesome father son relationship mentally to replace the damaged cell of my own animated life. We all embody cliches.
But alas i have made my decision and feel it’s the best. Really I don’t want to gamble and take the risk of having a child with mental/emotional issues. I think it’s wrong to risk it, the pain and suffering, unnecessary, that the kid would endure is not something I want on my conscience. I will not play dice with offspring. So maybe I live the hermit life, much cheese and wine in my future. Adopting is a very laudable option and kids love me. I don’t pretend to know mine or anyone else’s future so I’ll leave with a thought. We all grow into the adult that suits our needs.