I kept thinking I was “supposed to” all the time. Flirt, fuck, get all the milestones in order, beat out the loops and bounds. Sex was the big one, always is. Sexuality is another of the same vein. I couldn’t accept these thoughts of men and penile fantasies, I was conditioned for hetero world, set on the common path endemic of the normals. But I’ve had to go through the motions and reject it all, shy up to new events and sexual meanderings, cast off sex all together amd find myself and my comfort zone, nestled in the lovable curmudgeon full of neutrality.

It isn’t something people usually understand. A lack of desire, urges withered up and out of sight, temptations doing nothing for the limp libido. There are some physical leanings left, I check out people in a certain way though it’s not with much zeal. You just accept what your lot is. My die has cast and I’m taken the role of asexual elf (elves always seemed asexual to me). I walk with quivers and bows keeping my distance from the fray, I feel there is not so much there for me, I’d rather have tea and read thank you. It’s more disappointing when you have a girl in your lap and physically it’s nice but your body does not take it to next level, your mind has said good day sir. Or you think you need to suck a dick but then you do and there’s relief because of the built up tension and denial but not what you expected. There’s a real lack of satisfaction in these escapades. I tried, thats enough methinks. You keep your sex bombs and kinky boots, your throbbing biological urges, erhmagawd iz cumming refrains.  I’m trying to get Buddha peace, I want etheral highs, I want to be able to finally relax, let my shoulders down for once. My demons work on the Sabbath.

So I’m skipping that life. The ride was supposed to be fun but I’m just mild about Harry, tepid with Maude. The life fantastic is skewed a ways and I’m growing into by it. A thorny trellis on the great wall of absence. If you prick us…


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