As It Stands

Everyone is conditioned to their problems, they learn to adapt and handle their bidness. Whether we receive what we can handle or strain under the weight to slowly cross some unsighted finish line is a matter for spiritualists, I don’t particularly take to destiny and fate and that sort of thing. I think anyone that has a smidgen of giving a shit takes steps to circumvent their horrorshows and tip toe around the emotional and mental baggage that accumulates on us like plaque to a sugar addict. I’ve got my plaque, been with me many a years now, some four score ought seven I’d say.

It takes some getting used to, it needs breathing space and discipline of a sort I fumbled with for a decade or so, jittery keys in hand searching for the ignition as if I was in a horror movie of low budget means. Things come in different cycles, waves and particles choose their time, I deal with the Tourette’s then the moonfaced hulk of OCD comes trotting down and grips the mind, spending days lost in compulsions and crazed fear. It happened, happens, the self deals and grows callouses to fight the kill me motions. Sure there was plenty of coping mechanisms and so many addictions and hiding in softness, curled up kid clutching blankets and courting eating disorders. Stuck with this enveloping need to touch touch everything over and over, click click twitch attention split. Can’t focus, read, pay attention, can’t think, too much think, blink blink. Fuck.

You often hear there are people worse off, as if this should make you feel better or grateful. Though it is true nothing gets taken away or alleviated, I didn’t get solace from the thought of other poor unfortunates but I felt there was kinship out there. I grew up in a time when more was known about mental health and even if the medication and application was a bit wanting I was in a better position to get help. Many people took time to help me and listen to my shit, work in programs to manage our follies and struggles, professionals doing what they can to ease us into compliance with the wider world. But we’re not configured that way really. We exist different from whatever is regular, whatever can be said to be the status quo, perceptions and feelings interplay in an other kind of way, a nonessentialism way. Most things seem like there is no purpose, doing weird things with no end in mind, just desire and compulsion, forces acting upon you with no visibility or understanding. Plenty of what I do and think makes no sense yet I cannot stop, won’t stop, bundled with a mixed bag always on my shoulder. There’s no use complaining anymore just keep riding and moving forward.

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