Me man. Want woman. Me funny. Me change life. Less meat, less drink, no smoke. Me happy me sad. Bad head mojo. Me want relationship but me asexual. Me get turned on but no boom boom. Me like cuddling. No use Mr. Happy. No feel like others. Me trying to live better. No work. Problems. Brain trouble. Do art. Feel good. Read much. Feel good. Workout muscles. Feel strong. Like Bull. Me protect others. No like bullies. No like crime. Me like justice, equality. Angry at world. Too much hate. Me want love. Had once. Not same now, just care. Me care about animals, poor and sick, bleeding heart. Want do something but lost. Wrapped in consumer culture. Like keep old things but like gadgets. Me like technology. Hate guns. No like war. Bullies and bullies. Me hug world now. Less anger. Less hate. Want peace and quiet. Share life. Live with love.
This is something I wrote in the past for a therapist who wanted me to evaluate my problems and my drinking. It seems I don’t feel as bad anymore which is a plus but the worry that it’ll come back is there.
My low points are fairly constant no matter what good things may happen in my life. Though there have been many positive things I cannot escape the swirling mass of negativity that keeps crashing onto me on a regular basis. My lowest points of absolute depression and hopelessness build over time and get worse as I try everything I can think of to reduce the futility and hopeless feelings that fill my days. All the anxiety, obsessive and horrendous thoughts keep going back and forth in my head. All the good that I have done and the people I have helped are of no consequence and the horrible memories of my life flash through my head and repeat over and over until I just feel completely drained and exhausted and feel nothing is ever going to change. I cannot delude myself or compartmentalize my own suffering as well as the world’s like other people seem to be able to do. Positive thinking doesn’t ever work for me and I cannot stop the cycle of dark and depressing thoughts and feelings that I get all the time. Once they start it just keeps building and mixes with all the other memories of pain and suffering I have experienced in my entire life so far. I feel my pain throughout the years as well as other peoples’ and all the unfairness and torturous reality of the world I am forced to live in. There is no structure to it all it just comes on like a tsunami and it flashes through me incredibly fast I can’t keep track of anything and I cannot properly focus on anything I’m doing or trying to achieve. Whatever steps or activities that might have helped in the past stop working and provide no release or relief from these things. It all becomes too powerful and vivid so it is like I’m reliving every bad thing that has happened to me. All the pressure of the world and that which I put on myself lingers throughout my days and the overwhelming desire to fix everything wrong with me is always there but it seems impossible. When I think of all I’ve been through and tried, all the therapy, medication and constant self-help and efforts I make, it seems likely it is impossible to attain any kind of stability or contentment let alone happiness.
The realization nothing ever truly changes for me mixed with all these mental and emotional problems I have to deal with pretty much my whole life drains me of energy and any good feelings. I stop caring about anything, I become filled with self-hate and doom and I just want out of this wretched life. No matter what I try to change or help myself and the people in my life for the better, no matter how much I try not to contribute to the issues we face as a species and try to make positive impacts on the world, it all feels hopeless and I just can’t and don’t want to do anything anymore. I do not want to exist, I do not want to see if maybe it’ll get better in ten or twenty years, I just want to not be anymore and not live with all this mess that surrounds me. And that just adds guilt to the equation because of how it would affect my family and maybe whatever friends I have left.
I am forever tired of this world. It all seems so ridiculous and idiotic and everyone just seems to add to the damage of ridiculousness of it. There is little real progress, ignorance and abuse at all fronts is rampant, people don’t seem to know how to enjoy their time on this planet and love everyone and mind their business. I can’t escape the desire to have a world that makes sense, I can’t escape my persistent, all-encompassing erratic thoughts and the heaviness that weighs down on me every second of every day. There are no breaks, no relief. The only thing that ever gives me a small window of light or just some time where I don’t hate myself and my life is alcohol. I have had a lot of problems with it but it has been the only thing that provided me with some peace, even if just for a couple of hours.
When I drink it reduces all this compact built up stress and anxiety and the hopelessness. I feel like I’m actually myself and can enjoy other people and be the funny, kind person I am who isn’t dragged down by this miserable monster pulling me away from any sort of happiness. I feel warmer and light-hearted, I feel like maybe I can do more for myself and carve out a real life for myself and have a legitimate place in this world. I have a few drinks and I am not some sorry sack who’s going to fail at everything and never be happy. I can feel good for a little while and my life is not plagued with problems and doubt. The obsessive, dark thoughts don’t go away, neither do the bad memories and unwanted thoughts and suicidal feelings but it doesn’t take me over.
There are times when it gets to be too much and I have gotten drunk to numb the pain and forget the struggle. Being in that state doesn’t help, alcohol is a depressant and it makes things worse and I am at my wit’s end. In my mind there is no use to this much struggle and emptiness. At those times I use alcohol to push myself to become more empty and emotionless and just kill myself and be done with it. I drink and the usual thought process and vivid reliving of painful memories takes over and I stop fighting and just go with it until the end is my only option. I don’t care about anything else, I have one task and whatever way I chose to die is what I focus on no matter who I come into contact with. All I can really say is I have never really had any reliable, supportive people in my life and it seems alcohol was the only thing I could count on to make me feel better or ease the chaos.
Don’t go burdenin’ other people with your sins. That ain’t decent.
It gives a fella relief to tell, but it jus’ spreads out his sin.
Grapes of Wrath
Jealous of your love.
Jealous of your kind.
Ain’t nothin but a zero.
With a one track mind.
Two by two they’re growing.
One I sit and peer.
Lover’s waltz and hearts pouring.
We all make it through another year.
And if you should foster.
Some heartfelt reverie.
I won’t bother with ill will.
But I’ll wish you were like me.
Happy to be alone, happy to be free.
Sad to be alone, sad at three’s company.
But I tried all your relationships.
And that’s just not to be.
People have their plans.
People have their dreams.
I just want some peace.
In the belly of the beast.
Stares, jeers, lips of mockery and chattering laughter. Faces dash in my head amid the darkness. Blank memories skimmed and retrieve the badness, held up visions sparkling silver in the light of gnarled thoughts.
Breakdowns and halting, hurting, unending noise and confusion, the swirling mass of past beats the doors and hammers away at sense and sensitivities as the high comes. Can’t get high. You only get so much joy, so much peace before the crashing waves, turbulence and torrents; massive information overload and transfers. I download gigs of before, passionless recognition in the spotty turmoil. Beatings and laughter like thrown rocks at my spirit. It’s leaving me, maybe left. No spirit, none such joy, emotions wave goodbye from the freighter leaving off, going to harbour with the hopeful immigrants.
I parse through the muck and mud. Try to find traces of love, my love, affection for others. Glimmers in the daylight, shadows in the moonlight. Indian pale and confused with what I have done, wrought, afflicted myself with. Always turning other cheek but the memories stain me, harsh times reanimated.
Get drunk and solve a minor conflict with a temporary fix. But I need the fix, need it now for now, you live with it and expect sobriety, you bear down on the beast of burden that raps so at your decrepit temple and stay sane in the cacophony of madness ramping up its swan song. Black Swan. Takeover dark side making and willing bad things, hurting people and fetishizing suffering, pain, sin and vice, get more more more, hit rock bottom with a kiss of the fist. People hate me. Leper and crazy dead head need med head. Running away from myself with no direction. No way out.
Hurt self, damage self, wreck life and bathe in the waters of downward spirals. Laughing at myself, the comedian, last joke laughs last into the empty echo of the theatre. Velvet curtains drop and close on the ridiculous man’s tale. Wreck self, kill self, atone.
Awaken as a partier, drunken zombie trying to feel something, someone. That good feeling just out of reach. Stubby fingers lose it and it drifts away from me leaving me in the cold grey wasteland of purgatory. Hate self, damage self. Curse the face and spite the nose. Fuck you! Fuck your sorrow little sparrow. Make company of my misery and throw around jokes to hide in. Laugh with the world. What a joke, heard it before. Man walks into a bar…
I like those sensitive soft singers that exhale emotional in their songs. Artists like Coldplay and Tom Odell with that sorrowful melodious voice piercing me. I like them because they are an extension of me, they seem like I am and I want those types of men to be accepted, I want to be accepted. Not to hear the idiotic ramblings of closed minded people in Canadiana, not to weather the disappointment in a relationship when I don’t match my physical stature; muscles tear too. I am big, soft, as they call me teddy bear I must embrace the moniker. Angry Vegeta screams fester in my chest, woe-filled tears swell and burn behind brown eyes holding on to that little boy who was happy, maybe loved the world once, loved himself. Grew with compassion but not love, never loved anything save maybe one woman, never cared as much about self more of an ego arrogance thing. Everyone says love yourself but it becomes hard, like stone walnuts needing the snap, it’s easier to spite the face and curl up in hatred, bathe in turmoil and self-abasement. Too negative. Lost Jedi coming back from exile with temporary allies, temporary joy, fleeting everything flitters away beyond the sea. Catch me.