Stares, jeers, lips of mockery and chattering laughter. Faces dash in my head amid the darkness. Blank memories skimmed and retrieve the badness, held up visions sparkling silver in the light of gnarled thoughts.
Breakdowns and halting, hurting, unending noise and confusion, the swirling mass of past beats the doors and hammers away at sense and sensitivities as the high comes. Can’t get high. You only get so much joy, so much peace before the crashing waves, turbulence and torrents; massive information overload and transfers. I download gigs of before, passionless recognition in the spotty turmoil. Beatings and laughter like thrown rocks at my spirit. It’s leaving me, maybe left. No spirit, none such joy, emotions wave goodbye from the freighter leaving off, going to harbour with the hopeful immigrants.
I parse through the muck and mud. Try to find traces of love, my love, affection for others. Glimmers in the daylight, shadows in the moonlight. Indian pale and confused with what I have done, wrought, afflicted myself with. Always turning other cheek but the memories stain me, harsh times reanimated.
Get drunk and solve a minor conflict with a temporary fix. But I need the fix, need it now for now, you live with it and expect sobriety, you bear down on the beast of burden that raps so at your decrepit temple and stay sane in the cacophony of madness ramping up its swan song. Black Swan. Takeover dark side making and willing bad things, hurting people and fetishizing suffering, pain, sin and vice, get more more more, hit rock bottom with a kiss of the fist. People hate me. Leper and crazy dead head need med head. Running away from myself with no direction. No way out.
Hurt self, damage self, wreck life and bathe in the waters of downward spirals. Laughing at myself, the comedian, last joke laughs last into the empty echo of the theatre. Velvet curtains drop and close on the ridiculous man’s tale. Wreck self, kill self, atone.
Awaken as a partier, drunken zombie trying to feel something, someone. That good feeling just out of reach. Stubby fingers lose it and it drifts away from me leaving me in the cold grey wasteland of purgatory. Hate self, damage self. Curse the face and spite the nose. Fuck you! Fuck your sorrow little sparrow. Make company of my misery and throw around jokes to hide in. Laugh with the world. What a joke, heard it before. Man walks into a bar…