I saw solace in them pretty grey eyes. I saw the house and the kidlets playing in the big backyard she had to have, the husky I always wanted, damn the upkeep. Planning fantastic futures because I was so sure, so right is everything, my god I’m actually happy. Tra la la. I would languish in bliss and thoughts for a while, no reality bites stepping in for just a moment, just being okay and good to myself, having hope for the later life and goals for once.
I’d tingle before she walked into the room, would almost swoon from the scent of her when driving her home, those bright eyes hurt my heart I wanted to keep them close to me. Never felt like this before, never felt too much anyway. So much emotions and pangs of the heart I couldn’t take it, it was likely to gush out of me and scream primal yells in those late nights whimpering like a hound of the basking chills.
I kept doing the math. She was that much older, her kids’ ages and when she had them, when she decided or fell into having a family with that guy. Oh that inglorious basterd! So fortunate to have met so young. Three years old and already kissing, maybe fate is a thing, maybe my stone of destiny was meant to be cast on another pond. But that anger is gone, mostly, I feel good without the baggage and hang ups of a bitter youth. I caught the bug early, it informed my perspective, made me appreciate life, love, humility. I was wise to the cosmic joke, wise to the Sisyphian struggle that builds us. Loss is necessary.