Bar passage 02.21.17

Honesty.
If I was to be honest with myself, with her, with whomever I latch my emotional wagon to, I would be brave enough to face those hurt faces; the sad, slanted lip, tiny open mouthed pains written on pretty visages. I hat them so much, I recall them daily as I am want to cudgel and flail myself metaphorically; the whole Catholic upbringing shit. Damn you judgy white hats, with your fake laurels and holier-than-thou overly curious digits.

I feel in me to tell, not to tell, am I saving myself or her. The ever-present her that always seems to come every.. year, biannual, lonely half-desperate existential period? Think I care enough about Her? No, unfortunately it is always about me. The favourite, the loved peer, the exalted inner Danny awaiting his forever Shine. So many bads and embarrassments melded into they all love me, cuddle me verbally, eyes so cordial and kindly. Sick of my openness and comfort effortlessly. Everyone says so approachable yet I should be lovingly. Ready.

So closed I get lost in the metal gears that shunt and stern the heartsing. Shards speak words that we afraid to speak, leak, spill onto digital paper sheets. Only brave when it comes to blogging. So utterly morose at the thought of femme loss, hurt faces.

Hurt faces speak volumes upon my deafened ears after years of selfish shit. Want to open but aware of the empty organs pumping materially.

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Guiltlove

She shud be able to enjoy it
Flow after retirement
Ease from lacking office
Less stress less tests
Knock down meds
Big heart be damned
Bio complicated interfere her
Enlarged aorta no kill her
Strong like bull and stubborn too

Ppl sick from worry bout sickness
Bouts of ill
Listless
Fuck de bucket list
New fuckit list

Give ease
Alms to mater
Madre malady
She deserves more than we give her

You try and make up for the years of horrid treatment. Sure there was such tears dampening my soggy shoulders, but amid the adolescence there was the selfish anger. Roiling teen cursing mum, curse god world Mississippi goddamn. Lacking heart for familiars and stressed her test she took it with wavering strides cause her heart was so big. Always felt bad, guilt, guiltlove, sick with love and now abstaining.

This shud be her time
Life owes her
Ppl owe her
We owe her
But she takes less n les
Stupid motherly love

her go ergo ego

it may not be shameful but pathetic nonetheless
that I should love the idea of you
and not the full realness
in my mind you dance and sing
beauty always and face shining
complete package of what I remember
with all the bad taken out for splendour
the smile so soft and inviting
loops upon my image dreaming
glowing sandy hair to wade in
light hued skin cheek to cheek

I warmed with you
I felt alive
time was pointless
time was short
never had enough
never said the words

miss you
miss myself then
every new one just a passing
every woman depleting joyful
moderate fun in middle days
days of daze and imagery fades
vividness is slowly leaving
feelings strong weaken til evening
there you are and glow and love
love me more than I myself

The Best I Can Give

I got the greediness of neediness and singular obsession.
Dirty depression got me hankering for the love of blessing.
Focus on the girl who brings the laughter.
Always with another the typical disaster.
Husbands and boyfriends with the goals and secure.
Me I’m losing love and so insecure.
Broken locks locked in, passed repair.
Empty nest, shallow people perforating the air.
Give em a chance open up and they just stare.
Too weird for the Jones’.
Too crazy for boys town.
Too wrapped up in the mental.
No more paramours now.
Fixated vexed maybe hexed for romances.
Black cards take place of Chances.
Monopoly run no room for partners.
Rentier class double down on steerage.
And I want the world but my hands closed fists.
Too angry for some but something’s amiss.
My hearts not dead but paralytic.
Tried to pump it and thump it to trickle some blood.
Leaky muscle loses life as Reason comes in.
Scientifically minded.
Analytical modeled.
Primed for bottle and addicted to want of desire.
But I’m a liar I aspire to be father, brother, lover.
I can give you my life and give you my honour.
But sadly I can’t give what you covet.
There’s no strings on me and no hand in the puppet.
I’m just a hollow man who asks you to love it.

Grey Eyes

I saw solace in them pretty grey eyes. I saw the house and the kidlets playing in the big backyard she had to have, the husky I always wanted, damn the upkeep. Planning fantastic futures because I was so sure, so right is everything, my god I’m actually happy. Tra la la. I would languish in bliss and thoughts for a while, no reality bites stepping in for just a moment, just being okay and good to myself, having hope for the later life and goals for once.

I’d tingle before she walked into the room, would almost swoon from the scent of her when driving her home, those bright eyes hurt my heart I wanted to keep them close to me. Never felt like this before, never felt too much anyway. So much emotions and pangs of the heart I couldn’t take it, it was likely to gush out of me and scream primal yells in those late nights whimpering like a hound of the basking chills.

I kept doing the math. She was that much older, her kids’ ages and when she had them, when she decided or fell into having a family with that guy. Oh that inglorious basterd! So fortunate to have met so young. Three years old and already kissing, maybe fate is a thing, maybe my stone of destiny was meant to be cast on another pond. But that anger is gone, mostly, I feel good without the baggage and hang ups of a bitter youth. I caught the bug early, it informed my perspective, made me appreciate life, love, humility. I was wise to the cosmic joke, wise to the Sisyphian struggle that builds us. Loss is necessary.

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Me man. Want woman. Me funny. Me change life. Less meat, less drink, no smoke. Me happy me sad. Bad head mojo. Me want relationship but me asexual. Me get turned on but no boom boom. Me like cuddling. No use Mr. Happy. No feel like others. Me trying to live better. No work. Problems. Brain trouble. Do art. Feel good. Read much. Feel good. Workout muscles. Feel strong. Like Bull. Me protect others. No like bullies. No like crime. Me like justice, equality. Angry at world. Too much hate. Me want love. Had once. Not same now, just care. Me care about animals, poor and sick, bleeding heart. Want do something but lost. Wrapped in consumer culture. Like keep old things but like gadgets. Me like technology. Hate guns. No like war. Bullies and bullies. Me hug world now. Less anger. Less hate. Want peace and quiet. Share life. Live with love.

Human Heat

Jealous of your love.
Jealous of your kind.
Ain’t nothin but a zero.
With a one track mind.

Two by two they’re growing.
One I sit and peer.
Lover’s waltz and hearts pouring.
We all make it through another year.

And if you should foster.
Some heartfelt reverie.
I won’t bother with ill will.
But I’ll wish you were like me.

Happy to be alone, happy to be free.
Sad to be alone, sad at three’s company.
But I tried all your relationships.
And that’s just not to be.

People have their plans.
People have their dreams.
I just want some peace.
In the belly of the beast.