ADHD Adieu

I feel like I want the drugs, the extra pre scripts that dull and conjecture me, juxtapose my posie me with poised poses that work on the city. Big cities, we all freaky people-span of attention quizzical and busy. Don’t want to be like those Ridilin kids, that predays when chest felt empty, hollow feels and dull mouth mumbling stubbles. Want the focus though. Craving it, insane with the turbulence of concentration flummox just hazy day/night pulling eyes towards bookies and epubs; texts perused aloof for half minutes then abandoned for miles as I run lapse to other projects. Poor bookies, old and new and digital too, looking for touch with silent folds and bookmarks saving forgotten trysts. 

Want focus but it must be earned by me. Natural work my butt off training without the montages.  Spend some hours for several pages or sparse ink lines.

Bar passage 02.21.17

Honesty.
If I was to be honest with myself, with her, with whomever I latch my emotional wagon to, I would be brave enough to face those hurt faces; the sad, slanted lip, tiny open mouthed pains written on pretty visages. I hat them so much, I recall them daily as I am want to cudgel and flail myself metaphorically; the whole Catholic upbringing shit. Damn you judgy white hats, with your fake laurels and holier-than-thou overly curious digits.

I feel in me to tell, not to tell, am I saving myself or her. The ever-present her that always seems to come every.. year, biannual, lonely half-desperate existential period? Think I care enough about Her? No, unfortunately it is always about me. The favourite, the loved peer, the exalted inner Danny awaiting his forever Shine. So many bads and embarrassments melded into they all love me, cuddle me verbally, eyes so cordial and kindly. Sick of my openness and comfort effortlessly. Everyone says so approachable yet I should be lovingly. Ready.

So closed I get lost in the metal gears that shunt and stern the heartsing. Shards speak words that we afraid to speak, leak, spill onto digital paper sheets. Only brave when it comes to blogging. So utterly morose at the thought of femme loss, hurt faces.

Hurt faces speak volumes upon my deafened ears after years of selfish shit. Want to open but aware of the empty organs pumping materially.

1/24/17

Take the solace in solemn silent promises to twitchy McGee walls up

I could sit at the table with the pad so empty

So much white space it thrilled me then fearfully

Set up this desk for inkling inking

Architectural digesting passes through

Sketches and illustrates take a tick off my subpar

No one can see me tic running tick tock forever waiting for perfection

Perfectionist obsessive kid

Basement/office dwelling third place reversing

Adversity trumpeted

Bulked up to level this

Eyes on surpass but lacking push button confidence

Stuck to me, you, Irene too

Head jerking venting to release that dark stain joo joo

Screw the straightheads staring stone-faced

reject redirect Rob rejects

Upset relax meditate relapse

Pressure foments as my fingers bent

Curse the digits and hands clawing

Feel arthritic and Parkinson’s sick

High on the worry and losing the dismissive

Give in to obese obsess suppress subset stress

Feelin’ fine

Thankless

Care enough&nbsp
Care more for siblings dummy
Too much self
Not enuff open dialogue
So so angry about self-involved preliminaries
Botch bout new gen focused on themselves and i be same dwells
Sis so sad and crying to me!
Want to fix but can’t ever
Lax and lost to procedural fixit fairy story
Loved the real talk but so pissed at my self story
Busy pissin and drinkin and feeling meself sorry
She so tough but inside struggling
Punch myself but not enuff physical karma harmony
Stop hate stop blame
Love her rightly and be better than previous brother shame

Pill me, feed me
smoke me, cig me
drink me, snort me
Half of it works until the letdown

Cocaina, marijuana
Lazy sticks for spics is what they used to call them
Propagandize the working people so you can blame them for your insolvency

Debt collectors in town
So many criers hollerin’ usury

I can’t face the day so I bury in sands of inequity
Solar shock vampyre
Give up chasing demons
Start with the slow killing
Murder murder my mindstate
Charm for self-harm look the other way
Crick a little smile so no habla stupid questions
Don’t hear your beat
Drowning in eye glances

Shiny teeth and glowing eyes all abounding
I turned the wolf in waiting
Misery loves company and maudlin

Brightness such hurt
She blinded me with conscience
Addicted to help and shining my good apple
Boyscout out of shape
Used the knife for protection
Place it inside me

Ocd about perversion 

Obsession addiction to the fight

Normalcy formalcy

Fetish kill fetishcide

Ocd former me

Obsess about being sex deviant

Alleviate allegiant 

Know no urges but urge to purge it

Feel like teen freak squirming irk me

Foot freak screaming

Eyes and head see neutral

Focused fixated even when empty

Think myself to want but still wanting less 

Lesser deviant

Lesser demon

Less more or less

Open Wide

Sicky sicky sicky full sick
Big enuff stuff enuff
Gorge quick
Gullet full o refuse
Bodily bully abuse
Tense past memoirs
Stuff face craw full o comfort
Porcelain visits on the downlow
Hope they don’t hear me outside
Nobody see me no lookie at them
Choco fountain drip in me
Run back to toiletry
Visits to the sweets and meat
Expel the trail but not the demons

Crumbs scattered down for the dark ones to follow
Trip me beat me obsequious doublespeak
Duck mouth eat but no speak
Gobble gobble a butterbird of me
Balls of fat and rolls upon me
Rolly Polly feel awful
Chickadee chick pea live off a morsel
Starve the sinner and the tummies