1/24/17

Take the solace in solemn silent promises to twitchy McGee walls up

I could sit at the table with the pad so empty

So much white space it thrilled me then fearfully

Set up this desk for inkling inking

Architectural digesting passes through

Sketches and illustrates take a tick off my subpar

No one can see me tic running tick tock forever waiting for perfection

Perfectionist obsessive kid

Basement/office dwelling third place reversing

Adversity trumpeted

Bulked up to level this

Eyes on surpass but lacking push button confidence

Stuck to me, you, Irene too

Head jerking venting to release that dark stain joo joo

Screw the straightheads staring stone-faced

reject redirect Rob rejects

Upset relax meditate relapse

Pressure foments as my fingers bent

Curse the digits and hands clawing

Feel arthritic and Parkinson’s sick

High on the worry and losing the dismissive

Give in to obese obsess suppress subset stress

Feelin’ fine

Thankless

Saw what I assumed was another Tourette’s soldier. young pretty girl with the jagged legs and verbal yelling. Copralalia. not common, usually less than 1 % . brain went fruity ,  thought I could help or say sparse wisdom to youngens. condescending much? do I know better by now? I should right? should know,   should help. felt bad for looking and not speaking up. but. does she want anything from me me? everyone goes through their struggle, why  deprive her of growing. too much a father, protector, no let plants grow to maturity. fuck this paternalism!

Now I know.
Suckie suckie blowjob touchy
Warm lips on resistant dickie
I pretended new phase
Now I know I’m empty vessel spiritual
dick gone half for femme bustin ass
Wanna give her all but stuck with lax
Promise myself I’ll make up in oral
get down to it I’m lostless in stories
Make up me the inverted perverted predator
Want the puusyclot but body wants none of it
I don’t condone but hormones find the speech

I like the warmth and the loverly loving
Can’t feel much but I appreciate the body heat

her go ergo ego

it may not be shameful but pathetic nonetheless
that I should love the idea of you
and not the full realness
in my mind you dance and sing
beauty always and face shining
complete package of what I remember
with all the bad taken out for splendour
the smile so soft and inviting
loops upon my image dreaming
glowing sandy hair to wade in
light hued skin cheek to cheek

I warmed with you
I felt alive
time was pointless
time was short
never had enough
never said the words

miss you
miss myself then
every new one just a passing
every woman depleting joyful
moderate fun in middle days
days of daze and imagery fades
vividness is slowly leaving
feelings strong weaken til evening
there you are and glow and love
love me more than I myself

Pill me, feed me
smoke me, cig me
drink me, snort me
Half of it works until the letdown

Cocaina, marijuana
Lazy sticks for spics is what they used to call them
Propagandize the working people so you can blame them for your insolvency

Debt collectors in town
So many criers hollerin’ usury

I can’t face the day so I bury in sands of inequity
Solar shock vampyre
Give up chasing demons
Start with the slow killing
Murder murder my mindstate
Charm for self-harm look the other way
Crick a little smile so no habla stupid questions
Don’t hear your beat
Drowning in eye glances

Shiny teeth and glowing eyes all abounding
I turned the wolf in waiting
Misery loves company and maudlin

Brightness such hurt
She blinded me with conscience
Addicted to help and shining my good apple
Boyscout out of shape
Used the knife for protection
Place it inside me

Rickety slick sick
Slickety bitch kitsch
FInally get a text so I don’t feel pathetic
People say keep in touch but I who to Whoville
Little words sent cuz I’m trying
Used to shove off and leave em questioning
Can’t help if I shuffle to unfeeling
Petty little me tries to defeat
Hungry emotional vampire
Going Angel to Angelus
Butter up and hurt those who come close
Obsessed with attention and the prideful play
I need medium mitigation for a short holiday